I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
