genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
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it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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