They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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