just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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