my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
