So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You ate ashes out of my bong
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
