you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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