I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
