we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
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The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
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He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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