Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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