after a month anything with tits is on the radar
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
