my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
