Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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