Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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