Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
