i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
