Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
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