that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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