You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
