i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
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Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
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Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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