i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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