I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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