Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
