Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
