Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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