I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My underwear smells like fireworks.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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