drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
