Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
