the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If I die, sorry about rent.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
