Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
