He uses pillows to masturbate.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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