there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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