It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
