I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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