He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
