her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
