ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
