When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
