Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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