I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you inspire me to be a worse person
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
