remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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