her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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