I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just want to make out with him forever
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
