Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
