So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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