we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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