I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
