Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
