the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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