I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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