why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
