I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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