Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
