what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
