i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
