The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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